back to school confidence

It's that time of year again when we parents take photos of our ever ageing front doors with our children dressed in their new school uniforms. For the parents it's the marking of another milestone of the children growing up; and to use to embarrass them when you meet their new partner for the first time in many years' time. For the children it's often a moment of 'cringe' and they just want the earth to swallow them up so they can get on with their day.

Parents will be noticing now that some children are a little on edge, starting to show signs of anxiety, especially if they are going to a new senior school, moving up a year group or are changing schools completely. This anxiety will come out in the form of changed behaviours and attitudes; you may find they are becoming a bit more argumentative and pushing boundaries they wouldn't usually push.

Change in life is perfectly normal and as adults we find ways to cope with it (most of the time; I get some of us hate change and avoid it like the plague, but because we have life experience we have learned at least to manage it). Whereas children are finding their way in the world and this, combined with hormones changing and peer pressure to follow latest trends, often means small changes can become big problems for them. So, how can we help them navigate this?

First, we need to ascertain what it is they are worried about. You may have seen my video about 'FEAR' where I explain that we often worry about things that may not actually ever happen, so we have to ask ourselves, 'what evidence do I have that this will happen?' If the answer is none, then we don't need to worry about it. It's about focussing on what we can control, not what we can't. Control the controllables. By talking and understanding what they are worried about we can then help them prepare better, and in turn help reduce the nerves/anxiety.

Ideally we want them to be excited about what may go right, rather than worry about what may go wrong. We use the same energy in being excited as we do being nervous so, it's better to put a positive spin on things and look forward optimistically.

The other thing we have to be really mindful of is our own worries and anxieties about how they will get on. During my many years of working with and coaching young athletes I often got told by the parents that their kid was a nervous wreck, in reality what I found was the kids were fine, but the parents were projecting their worries onto them, making them nervous and anxious.

There is a great phrase 'perception is projection'. Often what we are perceiving is what we are projecting so, if the person stood in front of you is looking nervous or anxious be mindful they could be mirroring what they see in you as a parent. Children look at our body language for safety and comfort so, if they see us worried then they think they should be worried as something isn't right. However, this isn't a potential safety issue, it's just that we care and worry they will be ok. I've found over the years that I often ended up working with the parents of the athletes, to rein in their own nerves, rather than those of the children actually competing.

So, as our children embark on their next step, a few things to help us all get through it.

The first day is exactly that, it's one day, remind them they will soon settle in and it will be a dim and distance memory (which, except for the embarrassing photo on the doorstep they probably won't remember anyway!).

Remind them about the positives to look forward to - meeting new friends, some that will become friends for life; an opportunity to learn and grow if they absorb, sponge-like, the learnings from their teachers; opportunities to embrace new and exciting adventures on school trips etc. They will also be learning amazing life skills, coping with change, finding their way around a new building, trying new foods, learning new sports, interacting with new people, all which will be fundamental later on in life.

Be gentle on them the next few days as they prepare mentally for the changes ahead, and most importantly, be gentle on yourself.

If your child is lacking confidence and you know they are struggling then please get in touch, I'm more than happy to share other hints and tips to help you all get through these potentially challenging times. If you feel they, or you, need more help and support please book in for a 1 hour confidence session by emailing me at andrew@kandrynperformance.co.uk and check out my video on confidence on any of my social media platforms.

Good luck.

Diesel.